Transition or Revolution?

For the past eighteen years I have been seized by countless questions. My existence. Why do I live? Does anyone need me? Where is my life headed? Will anyone love me for who I am? Questions, so many of them. Then one day God sent me all the answers.

I saw him standing there with a smile on his face. That very moment something inside urged me to delve deeper- into his eyes, his life. I judged that he is the shy kind and I will have to take all the initiative. As he shook my hand I felt something, couldn’t locate where, didn’t understand why. When he spoke I never paid attention to what he was saying, just heard his voice. The voice of a stranger, yet so familiar. I felt a desire poking at a corner in my heart. A desire unrecognized, but a desire. I wanted to know him better, spend more time with him. My heart skipped a beat when I asked him out for a movie and breathed a sigh of relief when h nodded in consent. The day was next Sunday.

I waited for Sunday like the dry lands wait for rain. I often wondered what we would be talking about. But in my heart of hearts I new that we’ll do just fine and day will turn out perfect.

Sunday came. Everyone said my gait had assumed a more of a “hope, skip and jump” character. Was the alacrity in my heart showing on my face? That day I seriously considered what I should wear and spent a couple of minutes more in front of the mirror. I completely ignored the fact that my mother was glaring at me.

There he was, standing where we decided to meet. For the first time I organized my feelings for him- cute and adorable. I spent the whole day with hating the fact that time was slipping by. I wanted to walk very close to him. At one point in time, when watching the movie, I really felt like resting my head on his shoulder. But I was hesitant, we had been together for just a few hours and he seemed absorbed in the movie to the extent that I felt kind of neglected. (By the way, the movie was The Hulk) He was far more interested in the food. Even after all the not so, chivalrous behavior I was attracted to him, to his magnetic being and I disliked nothing that he did.

Then came the time when I had to say goodbye. I felt a pang in my heart and something pushing the back of my eye balls. Those were the best nine hours of my life.

I waited for him to call me each day but reality betrayed my expectations- he didn’t. I was never angry but definitely sad. The old feelings of desolation and lonely existence enveloped my being. Though solitude had been intrinsic to my life, I didn’t want to accept it. The flame of hope was flickering and reality was blowing too strong on it. The date of his departure back to Tumkur came and went. Lost I locked up my feelings and put them on a remote shelf.

Normal day- nothing out of the ordinary- expectations at an all time low. I was sitting over the evening tea with my mother and my cell phone rang. Strange number, I thought. I answered it…..IT WAS HIM. I didn’t speak. My voice was choked with happiness. I was plain and simple ecstatic. I had a grin pasted on my face for the next 3 days. And the grin has now been metamorphosised into a permanent smile. He is yet to win the world but he certainly has won my heart, my life, my whole existence. And the day when he will win the world is not too far away either.

But my mind has not ceased to be the genesis of questions. Is he a magician? How does he have such an overwhelming impact on me? What makes me love him so much? Why do I trust him so much? What makes him different? Why does life seem hollow and meaningless without him? Why do I love him so unconditionally? Do I deserve him? Looks like God still has a lot of answering left to do. However, the fact remains, I love him- truly, deeply, madly. More than anyone, more than anything, more than my own life.